At four in the morning, everything is serious.
The patterns
A pattern is a situation that keeps coming back, until you pay attention to it. Seeing it is already seeing more clearly, and hearing what it came to tell us. Here, Syel tells them the way a friend would, in thirty seconds.
Why I wake up at 4am and think about everything
Why I say 'it's fine' when it wasn't
Too small to say out loud, too big to put down.
Why I hit snooze ten times every morning
What you're putting off isn't the alarm.
Why I let the phone ring when someone calls
You keep control of your sentences, and you lose the calls that were going nowhere.
Why I rewatch a show I already know by heart
A place where you already know how it ends.
Why I never ask anyone for help
To ask is to accept that someone could say no. So you don't ask.
Why I reread our old messages
Rereading feels like investigating, so it feels like moving.
Why I get there early and wait in the car
Arriving right on time means arriving owing nothing.
Why I laugh right after saying something real
The laugh always lands on the word that mattered, never before it.
Why I open the fridge when I'm not hungry
In front of the open shelves, for three seconds, nobody wants anything from you.
Why I finish other people's sentences
You never get to hear the word they would have chosen.
Why I check my bank balance several times a day
It isn't the number you're after, it's the gesture.
Why I smile when someone hurts me
The hurt turns up a second later, running behind your own face.
Why I say 'we'll call each other' knowing I won't
It has the shape of a promise and none of its bones.
Why I stay on my phone at 11pm when I want to sleep
Your body is ready to sleep, the day isn't.
Why I rehearse a conversation that hasn't happened yet
What you're rehearsing isn't your sentence. It's their reaction.
Why I explain every small decision I make
The because isn't an answer to a question anyone asked.
Why I reread a text three times before sending it
You're not rereading it for them, you're rereading it for every reaction they might have.
Why I clean the kitchen before I can sit down
The kitchen has been clean for ten minutes, and your hands are still moving.
Why I keep scrolling even though I'm exhausted
Closing the screen means closing the day.
Why I say 'I'm fine' when I'm not
'I'm fine' keeps you invisible, and some days that is exactly what you want.
Why I keep replaying what I said in the meeting
You are looking for an answer to three seconds that never had one.
Why I cancel plans the day of, even ones I wanted to go to
What you're cancelling isn't the wanting. It's the effort of going.
Why I leave a message unanswered even though I've already read it
On the screen it's read. On your side, nothing ever left.
Why I apologize before I even ask a simple question
You apologize for bothering them before you even know whether you are.
Why I reject a compliment before I've even said thank you
A compliment is a ball you throw back before it stays too long in your hand.
Why I keep replaying the same argument in my head
The argument ended twelve hours ago, and you are still negotiating in the bathroom.
Why I check the door three times before I leave
The door was never the real question.
Why I rewrite my list instead of starting
Rewriting is staying just before the moment it gets real.
Why I say yes when I mean no
The yes doesn't answer the question, it closes the silence.
Why Sunday night feels heavier than Monday morning
Sunday makes nothing. It uncovers.
Why I put everything off until tomorrow, every day
You didn't put the thing off until tomorrow, you bought ten minutes of calm.